Sunday, April 27, 2008

I need a smile !!!

Last time I'd thought HOwever busy I was I would sneak past a few minutes and fill my blog. But I failed. I failed to open my personal blog too. I feel bad for not writing anywhere in between. For not recording any kind of facet in between either on my blog or my diary or plain paper. For havin lost out on thousands of words which were raised and then allowed to drift with the wind.



Stuck up is What I feel !!! When the happening of something good doesnt make you happy or the happening of something bad doesnt make you grumble. I am in that stage. I want time and space more than anyhting now. Time to do nothing. No boundings. No dead lines. Unlimited unlimited.....

I feel like being sucked in the rat race already. Dont know. Y should I do an MBA.....Why should I fall prey to more and more rats and while time in escaping from the big cats while I can plain have a pretty normal life in some PSU or a nominal firm which pays me sufficient enough to be called a middle class and where i have some appreciation for what I love.



I have understood the meaning of friendship when I dont find one of my closest friends now with me. Time I'd spent with him was almost half the time or even more When I wasnt sleeping or attending classes.



It happens like YOU SEARCH YOUR WHOLE PHONE DIRECTORY AND YOU DONT HAVE A SINGLE CONTACT WHOM YOU THINK YOU CAN CALL and worser you feel the same thing on the G-Talk.



I feel like the dyslexic child in Taare Zameen par. Yet still while I am writing this I observe the time to be 5:53 pm. Hell, when i say i have to go fast not to fall back on the leftover work. And yet Its just a small time ago...I started....Not even 10 minutes. (I dont even feel like counting how much time passed).



Time lags laga lags.....And now that i turned the topic on time I am again blank. Forgot the thing I felt like writing. No one can be an island. If australia claims to be one THen its lying. You need to have a friend. A friend who would go out eating snacks with you everyday. Who would advise you to choose a particular toothpaste over another. Who would change your filthy shirt before going to a party. who would give you pleasant surprises when you dont expect and would be plain when you actually expect. who would share the last biscuit in a pack. who would fall upon you for some silly decision which would mtter no where. who would change the custom messages of your gtalk id just like that. who would plan a surprise gift for another common friend, who would share the worst of his times, who would share the best of his times., but will still not read your diary,.



I sometimes feel we should be allowed to cry more easily. Bcoz I personally feel crying helps you lower the pain. I dont want to go anywhere. I dont want to do anyhting. I dont want to stay forever. Good that humans are mortal.



And yet during this period we have our final years leaving us, someof them very dear to me, and when you find tag sllike nostalgic or bas 5 din or Over with life It cretes something in your stomach. I dont know even if it cna be called a butterfly effect.



They sit on the sand. no more are they conscious of the sand spoiling thier pants. Its broken free. Its allowed now. Pain to clean it all is okay now. They give away perks. If not now when??? They grow claustrophobic. They find hard to agree on the fact that thier closest friend whom they d spent all their 4 years , the one who was a stranger before the four years and who has become their strongest influence during the period.



I feel like a rat in a well furnished house. Who got everything, but hunger, who got lots of noise around, yet temporarily deaf, who lost his co companion in the hole, And worser the family residing in the house is moving away. What do you thinks happening.



I dont want to spend the small time I get in between thinking away all the nonsense. Planning for hte future is a big myth. Its best not to I guess. I want to enjoy. I havent done silly things for quite a long time. So long it was when i stopped everything and heard what i was supposed to. When i close eeverything and hear for a while I hear things i am overlooking, my fan thats rotating with a sound, Children playing with stones outside my second floor window, I can smell that hot air which is in my room, I can see leaves fluttering thrught he window. I can see one car or a bicycle or a bike pass by with a time gap on a sei deserted load. And the taste i get in my mouth is that of the used up saliva which you get once as you wake up. And that is what Id done just after waking up. Start writing.



And while i have to go now, I cant even check up what id written, No spell checks and no make it betters today !!! I will just put a tilte and a color and go !!! I will go !!! I want to return. Not just to the blogger but to a whole lot of things that i have kept waiting in my mind as second priority !!! I love you zahid. I really love you for all the things you know and you do.... intentionally or unintentionally !!!

9 comments:

τ ħ€ ĐάЎđяёάmёя said...

Welcome to the after college life
Remember life is
Survival of the fittest so fit in ..
slowly u will make a new world..
so hang on ....

and one more added info..
with tears ..stress hormones comes outta the body so don't stop tears...
who said
Boys dont cry

cheers

Patchez said...

aww

>:D< thats a phase Zahid.. will pass :)

Keep loving Zahid :)

You still got a long time to go before you reminisce yo life :)

Vandita said...

u know what zahid... really wanna talk to u just abt now... dunno why.
anyways u need a smile, heres a hug to make u do just that >:D<
take care!

Cinderella. said...

Sweety so much is going thru your mind. I can understand. I was here at that phase, a few months ago.

Crying coz I had to leave my frens back at college, even when I'd thought I dont really share a bond or something with them - coz I was a preferred keep-to-myself kinds.

And you know, I have always wondered about it-is-worth-it ?

Staying away from parents this far, for a stupid job only coz it pays well. So what if I like my job.

Wanting to do something else entirely, yet having to wait for it.

Its always like that, always. And I dont know why, so cant tell you so.

All I'll say is, hang in there, and do waht you find happiness in. Thats very very important.

Miss you. Take care.

Prachi said...

this post just reminded me of the poem i wrote when i was feeling the same abt my rat race. :)

no suggestions, no comments on ur thots... u knw how to handle urself very well..

keep it going dear.
*hugs*
cheers

Lena said...

i know it is tough on you and it doesnt feel good that i cannot do anything about it. Just hang in there and it will pass. Life is not all that black and dark, friends are always there, just sometimes not in the way we want them to be. My closest friend moved to the other city right after university, i havent seen her for a year or so and it still hurts but life is life, I just know is things go terribly wrong i can always rely on her...

Things will be fine. You should keep smiling!! :) :)

Or even crying, sometimes it helps, just dont keep it all inside, ok? :)

Just make yourself believe you will be happy no matter what!! :)

♥bμşγ-ŵŗϊŧēŕ♥ said...

*giant bear hug*

:)

*~*Sameera*~* said...

That was such a wonderful post!I held my breath while reading it.You have captured the feelings and emotions so well in these words that one can actually feel what you felt when writing them.

Life goes on and we go along with it.Those who dare to flow against its tide are the ones who really stand apart!

TC dear.Cheers :)

Frisbee said...

What a smooth run...!!!
It just slipped like the water into the throat...
When one such day arrives it has to come out from the eyes....

Cheerz...